If You Could Visit 3 Places in Time, Where Would You Go?

My sister asked me this question yesterday; apparently she had to do it for a school project, which I thought was weird for someone who’s in their 2nd year of Harvard Grad School.

I’m kidding, she’s actually in high-school. But still I thought this was more of an elementary/middle school question. Right? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, I had fun thinking about it so here are my top 3 places I would time travel to if I had the chance.

3. Wherever Jesus was hangin out at – Year 25 A.d.

Look I can’t name a specific place to visit during this time cause Jesus was all over the place – from Nazareth to Jerusalem to Israel; I mean this guy really got around (not in that way). But I’m thinking a more ‘Wedding at Cana’ setting. I mean how cool would it be to hang with the Son of God and drink some Heaven Wine that he made out of water and have some deep philosophical talks? I wouldn’t want to stay too long though cause things got kind of rough at the end, but Jesus and I would definitely kick it and it would be sweet.

2. The Roaring 20’s – New York

I’m just picturing some Great Gatsby – type mansion parties and people dressed in suits. No iPhones, no screens, just Gin. I mean what more can you ask for? Plus I’d really love to smoke one of those french cigarrette-on-the-end-of-a-stick things with Leonardo DiCaprio. Ok maybe I just want to hang with Leonardo DiCaprio, but I’d take him back to that time with me (assuming I get to bring a guest) and we would just laugh and get hammered and he wouldn’t be all debbie-downer worried about climate change cause no one knew about it back then. Also I would love to ride in a Horse-Drawn carriage back when they were cool and not some over-priced touristy thing.

 

1. Philadelphia – July 4th 1776

This one is a no brainer. Imagine being in Philadelphia (otherwise known as Flip-a-delphia) and just playing flip cup with our founding fathers. I mean this must have been the most epic bar-crawl of all time. Ben Franklin black-out-drunk playing with Kites in thunderstorms trying to explain the concept of electricity to everyone and no one has no clue what he’s saying. John and Sam Adams tossing out homemade beers to whoever is in need. George Washington going undefeated in beer pong (and international wars). John Hancock bragging about his signature and penmanship like a douche but everyone forgives him cause he would go on to start a “Fuck Benedict Arnold” chant. And the rest of the time everyone would be flying flags, eating philly cheese steaks, singing patriotic songs and flag waiving accompanied by some USA chants, and most of all just shitting on England as a country would be way too fun.

I’m Done Watching ESPN

Today, I read a few different articles about how ESPN just released a list of ONE HUNDRED (yes, you read that correctly) on-air personalities that are being laid off. Now, the first question I asked myself was “who the hell are all these people?”. As someone who watch ESPN a fair amount (though not so much anymore) I could only name like 10 on-air personalities max so I was a little confused to see how many people they were actually getting rid of.

Most of the people that were laid off were writers or journalists that you probably have never heard of, however, some of them were pretty recognizable faces (especially if you’re a hockey fan). And of these people that were let go, many of them were excellent at their jobs. In fact, I was left scratching my head a few times when I wondered why some boring, over-political analysts like Michael Smith and Jamele Hill still had jobs while the actually entertaining broadcasters like John Buccigross (or any of the major Hockey analysts that were fired today) got the boot.

ESPN said their reason for doing this was based on analytics and data which showed that people liked ESPN to be more personalized, and that they wanted to push shows like “His and Hers”, “First Take” and “Around the Horn”. And at first this made sense to me, as I usually turn the channel during some of the lesser known shows/segments myself, but then I thought about the long term consequences.

ESPN is pushing for yes-men and over the top characters to be on their shows instead of actual analysts. And for that matter, they are putting more analysts on TV than actual sports! As I said earlier, many people lost their jobs today that were actually insightful, passionate, and most of all – relatable/normal acting people. Now lets look at who kept their jobs- Max Kellerman, Jamele Hill, and Michael Smith who are all not only incredibly boring but also seem to make everything political when it is afterall, a sports show. And then they kept Stephen A. Smith and offered millions to Skip Bayless (who eventually declined to return) but both of those men are complete characters who just yell and cause an uproar over little things.

With ESPN pushing for these types of people they are making the entire network into a production, with characters and scripted arguments. The fact that I’ve gone on this long just talking about analysts is what proves my point- it shouldn’t be about them at all anyway, it should be about sports and the players. That’s why people watch ESPN, not for some journalists opinion on things; they watch for highlights, top 10’s, crazy interviews, and scores of games. And as long as that remains on the bottom of ESPN’s priority list (which especially today, looks like it isn’t changing anytime soon) then I can’t watch it any more.

How to Properly Exit a United Airlines Aircraft – And Get Rich!

Honestly I have run out of comedy stuff to blog about for the time being so I’m just going to discuss current events. If you’ve been following the news recently you should’ve seen some mention of Dr. David Dao or even the video of him being forcefully removed from a United Airlines flight that was overbooked.

This made me think about how this whole situation could’ve been avoided and thankfully, it wasn’t (cause this Dao guy is about to get PAID). I’ve read some recent articles that were sympathizing with Dr. Dao and saying this is a tragedy and yatta yatta yatta.

Unfortunately I can’t feel anything but jealousy for that Doctor. I hope to God I can only be lucky enough to get dragged off a plane like that on a major airline with everyone recording on their phones. Let me clear, I felt bad for him when I saw the first video of him being removed. But all things considered, this guy knew what was about to happen to him, and like all of us would, he chose the money over a un-bloody nose.

There’s even a video of the doctor on his phone talking to his lawyer before the incident and he basically says you guys are going to have to drag me off this plane. And who could blame him? United overbooked the flight because they value money over everything and don’t actually care for their customers. Plus they offered the minimum amount of money to whoever was willing to give up their seat. Dao was smart to not move.

And he is about to cash out on United and I couldn’t be happier. I knew he was looking for big money when he said in an interview that “everything” is injured. I mean that doesn’t sound like anything an actual doctor would say.

So the bottom line is, the proper way to exit a United aircraft is this: don’t. Don’t even budge. Tell whoever is next to you to start recording on their phone, take the bloody nose and chipped teeth and cash out. And don’t boycott United either, you should fly United and hope that someone makes a mistake and ends up costing their company thousands of dollars so you can profit, based on their recent track record it is a very real possibility.

What Happened to Katt Williams?

No, seriously, what happened to Katt? This blog post isn’t going to have any definitive answers, but it will ask plenty of questions that you can look into yourself should you choose to do so. It also doesn’t just focus on Katt in particular but he is a clear example of what I’m talking about.

The other day I was reading an article about Jay Pharoah, and he was speaking on getting fired from SNL. Pharoah says, he got fired because he refused to be a “yes man” and also because he refused to wear a dress (ringing similarities to an old Dave Chappelle interview in which he also mentioned refusing to wear a dress). This isn’t the first time we’ve heard of SNL firing cast members for refusing to do what they are told- Norm Macdonald was fired from weekend update for refusing to stop doing OJ Simpson jokes. Simpson was a close friend of NBC exec Don Ohlmeyer who told Macdonald to stop and when he continued, he lost his job.

The Jay Pharoah interview made me think that he might be the most recent comedian to be outed by hollywood, although I hope that’s not the case. The bottom line is: Hollywood is ran by a select group of a few people. They dictate who gets work/shows/movies and who doesn’t. Now maybe I don’t have concrete proof of this, although in previous posts I’ve linked to articles showing how 6 families control all the mainstream media networks. I’ve also discussed how Patrice O’Neal, Katt Williams, and Dave Chappelle have all hinted at this and stated that if you didn’t do what you were told, then they ruin you.

But when I mention these Hollywood elites/ or Illuminati to my friends they look at me as if I’m crazy. But I’m so interested in finding out the truth since my field is entertainment (comedy/writing/acting) which is totally related to all of this. So maybe I can’t prove anything concretely but I do have some questions that you should ask yourself.

Why did Jay Pharoah or Norm Macdonald get fired from SNL? Are they not one of the most talented cast members of their respective times? Why would SNL fire their best talent?

Why did Katt Williams go from comedy-superstar to being labeled as crazy or a drug addict in the eyes of the media? Why did Dave Chappelle go from having the most popular show on TV and comedy superstar to… crazy/ possible drug addict in the eyes of the media?

Why did Patrice O’Neal (widely recognized as one of the greatest comedians to ever live) never get the fame and recognition he deserved? And vice-versa, why are people like Kevin Hart/Amy Schumer everywhere in hollywood and selling out arenas when their comedy can’t even hold a candle to some of the greats in terms of substance?

Why did Dane Cook go from selling out MSG and making a movie with Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson to… nothing? Where is Dane Cook now? He’s still just as funny isn’t he? What changed? Patrice O’Neal once said it’s because he had a favor that he didn’t repay, but we can’t be sure if that’s true or not.

Why did all these comics: Patrice, Dave, Katt, Jay, ect. all coincidently happen to speak out against this hollywood monopoly and get ruined in the eyes of the media?

I don’t know everything, so I won’t try and come up with an answer for all of this, but to say it’s all merely a coincidence seems ignorant to me. So all I ask of you is that you don’t turn a blind eye to corruption when it’s right in front of you, and always ask the question why?

Is Social Media Ruining Standup Comedy?

This is a question that I have struggled with for a while now, and honestly, I think it unfortunately might be true: social media is slowly killing standup comedy, for a number of reasons.

First, everything in social media seems to be about who’s “first” to the joke, not who’s joke is best. As soon as anything happens on the news or across the world you can bet people on social media are already tweeting jokes, making memes, and rushing frantically to post the first joke about what happened.

This rush to be first not only ruins the quality of the content being produced, but it also ruins potential for other comedy to be made. For example, I was watching a Bill Burr special recently where he makes a joke about Hitler being the Michael Jordan of evil people. Now, this bit might not be the most original thing ever thought of but Bill was able to make it funny by expanding on it and using a plethora (one of my favorite words) of analogies. Now, Bill was able to work on this joke and craft it on his own but what if someone had made a viral tweet using the same analogy? Would Bill still be able to use the bit without being called a joke thief?

Look at all the Trump jokes and how quickly they became “old”. Because it was hard to make a creative Trump joke when almost everything funny about him had been tweeted out a million times already and everyone had already seen it.

This brings me to my second reason: Social media takes every joke/meme/topic and runs it into the ground. Look how quickly memes/jokes on social media come and go. If these things were so funny wouldn’t they last? Doesn’t good comedy last longer than a week or a month? Not on social media. Because once something that is considered “funny” is released, everyone tries to be funny and re-creates the same meme/uses the same joke until people are done with the topic forever and it’s considered “hacky” “trying too hard” or just boring/old.

The final reason social media is ruining standup is because of bloggers/videos being released. This is the reason more famous comedians like Chappelle/Chris Rock/Louis C.K. all confiscate cell phones before they perform. In today’s society where everyone loves to be the center of attention, everyone is quick to try and be “offended” by something. This leads to people leaking videos of offensive bits or bloggers talking about how offended they felt at the comics show. This is terrible for comedy because it: A) takes the joke out of context, and brings it in to the real world as if it was a statement and not a joke with the intention of being funny and B) makes the one blogger who chose to complain seem like they represent the majority of the audience, which they don’t.

If one blogger gets “offended” and causes outrage it is perceived as if everyone was offended which simply isn’t the case. It’s usually some pretentious person who thinks they should be the judge on what can be joked about, and these PC cops are slowly destroying comedy. My point is this: Sure you should be able to post memes and joke on twitter, however this just makes a comics job more difficult to create original content because they have to scour the web and make sure it hasn’t already been said; and as a comic I just see that as more of a challenge to make comedy that is funny in quality and not just “first”. But the real reason I think social media is destroying comedy is because every PC cop now has a platform to be outraged. Social media is a great tool and everyone deserves to have a voice, however, just like in the real world where we all have a voice, that doesn’t mean everyone should be talking and outraged ALL the time.

My Top 3 Unintentionally Funny Horror Movies

I’ve always been a fan of Horror movies, however, after you watch some of the classics a few times the effects start to wear off. The things that jump out at you are expected and so the movie looses that feeling of adrenaline that it used to give you. As a result, I am constantly watching horror movies that I haven’t seen before looking for scares; but a lot of times it results in me watching a really shitty movie (trust me, there are a LOT of them out there, especially in the horror genre). But sometimes these movies are so bad that you can’t help but laugh, and so, here is my list of the three funniest horror movies I’ve ever scene. (Note- these movies have to be unintentionally funny, movies like “Scary Movie” or parody’s don’t count).

Honorable Mention: You’re Next

You can find this movie on Netflix if you so choose to watch it. The premise isn’t terrible (a family gets together for a dinner and are unsuspectingly hunted by strangers). But parts of this movie are so ridiculous – the siblings constantly fight even when they’re under attack and the random Australian girlfriend turns in to some killing machine because she’s.. Australian? (She isn’t in the military or anything, she just randomly knows how to fight like the spawn of Rambo). This movie makes this list for this scene alone which is just so ridiculous from the petty insults to the slow motion running- just see for yourself.

3. Unfriended

A movie about a killer who kills through facebook. Thats all I’ll say. Also one of the characters dies by putting his hand in a blender. Don’t ask me why.

2. Krampus: The Christmas Devil

I watched this movie unintentionally, I thought I was renting the new Krampus Movie on demand, you know, the one that was in theatres with Adam Scott and David Koechner (I heard it was garbage anyway so maybe it’s good I didn’t see it). But instead I ended up watching this piece of garbage, 200k budget film. The acting is actually unbearable and I only made it about 15 minutes in. I did have a few good laughs though (drugs helped).

1. Leprechaun 6: Back To Tha Hood

Ok we all had to know this one was coming eventually. Honestly I actually like this movie because it’s hilarious. I haven’t even seen the other Leprechaun movies but this one is just incredible. And he kills all the characters in hood ways too, like he’ll kill someone with a bong or a basketball or a rim from a car. It’s actually incredible. Would definitely recommend.

Why All-Female Movie Remakes Need to Stop

Stop. Before you start forming a strongly worded letter or comment calling me a misogynist because of this title, hear me out: women are funny and all-female casts can be very funny. However, these all-female, movie remakes that hollywood keeps shoving down our throats needs to stop.

First let me say I am a big fan of all-female casted movies – as long as they are original. For example: Mean Girls is hilarious, Bride’s Maids cracks me up, and I’ve see the movie Bad Mom’s about 4 times with my sisters and my girlfriend and it makes me laugh every time (Kathryn Hahn kills me).

However, the Ghostbusters remake was complete shit (the original was over-rated as well so it’s not entirely their fault) because it felt like a cheap parody of the original movie. It wasn’t the fault of the actresses either, each of them is hilarious in their own right, but they were all put in a creative box from the very beginning. And next year the all-female casted “Ocean’s 8” is being released in June (I just saw an advertisement for it which is what inspired me to write this post).

My issue is not the cast, my issue is the idea of the movie being remade like this. Yes, women are funny. Yes, all-female casted movies are funny. Yes, Women can do anything men can do, I get it and I agree. Men and Women should be equal, however, they are not the same. But that seems to be the idea that Hollywood keeps forcing upon us; that we’re the exact same.

Why can’t we truly empower women by giving them their own versions of things instead of cheap knockoffs? That’s not real equality, it’s the illusion of equality. Give them their own platform to create instead of restricting them by having them re-make a previously made movie.

I don’t want to see an all female cast remake of Saving Private Ryan for the same reason I don’t want to see an all male-casted remake of Bad Moms: because it’s already been done before. An all male cast could never pull off the movie “Bad Dad’s” because the whole time the viewer would be comparing it to the original and it wouldn’t live up to expectations and the characters would be drastically different. The same way an all-female cast of “Saving Private Regina” wouldn’t be able to live up to expectations.

My point is just this: Hollywood needs to give women their own lane. Let them create, because when they do they make amazing things! Don’t confine them to this creative box where they have to try and do guy-ish things and remake movies that men already did because it brings unnecessary pressure as well as unfair criticism by comparison.

The Top 3 Most Entertaining Episodes of Opie and Anthony

Recently I’ve been on a youtube binger and listening to old episodes of Opie and Anthony on Sirius XM. They have comedian Jim Norton co-hosting the show with them and often have on my favorite comic Patrice O’Neal as a guest. Some of the episodes have crazy stories and almost always leave you in stitches from laughter. If you’re interested in listening to them here are 3 of the most entertaining episodes.

3. The Patrice O’Neal Tribute Episode

This episode starts off very grim as the thought in the back of everyones head is visible through how they all act and talk. This is the first episode after the loss of Patrice O’Neal in 2011, and the support/honoring of him is great as many legendary comedians come through the show to tell stories about Patrice and some of their favorite memories of hm.

2. Patrice vs Bill Burr

This episode is very entertaining if you enjoy conflict and arguments. Two of the best comics to ever do it (Bill Burr and Patrice O’Neal) go head to head after Bill thinks that Patrice betrayed him on the Mancow show. Patrice and Bill were very good friends and you can see the personality and honesty between these two comics in this intense exchange on the air.

1. Patrice’s Prison Story

This is one of the most honest and craziest stories ever told on radio as Patrice opens up and reveals a part of his life for the first time ever on air. This story is gripping, horrifying and brutally truthful. While it may not be the funniest episode it is certainly the most entertaining.

The Night That I Knew That I Wanted to Pursue Standup – Digital Story Script

“Oh shit” I thought to myself as yet another text message appeared on my phone. That was the last hope I had left; another friend had bailed on me. My stomach began to turn as showtime was getting closer and my nerves started to kick in…

A few months earlier, back in 2012 when I had just turned 17 and was a senior in high school; I started to think about what I wanted to pursue for a career. I knew I wanted to do something in the arts- whether it was music, comedic writing, or just sketching. Anything that didn’t involve sitting in a cubicle. I wanted to enjoy what I was doing.

After a lot of thought, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in standup comedy. I had always had a passion for comedy ever since I was a kid when I would listen to Chris Rock albums on repeat as I fell asleep (a little harsh for a 12 year old to be listening to, but I loved it!). I had always enjoyed making people laugh and thought comedy might be perfect for me.

I told my parents about my dream and for Christmas that year they bought me 4 lessons of a comedy class at the DC Improv with a graduation show at the end. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to try out the jokes I had already begun writing. The classes were once a week every Sunday, and even though I was the youngest in my class by far, I still loved every second of it.

As the graduation show date approached everything seemed to be going great. I had my jokes ready and many of my friends said they would come to my graduation show which would be my first time performing. This gave me confidence because I knew at least my friends would laugh at my jokes even if no one else did.

When the night of the graduation show came around more and more of my friends started to bail and my confidence dropped. Even a girl that I liked and had invited to impress texted me a few hours before saying that something had come up. When my last friend bailed, I panicked; my safety net was gone.

My parents offered to come watch me but I thought that might make me even more nervous so I drove there by myself. I remember listening to music on the drive there trying to pump myself up. I listened to some old Eminem because I loved his humor and creativity in his music and his “fuck you” me against the world attitude.

When I finally walked into the Improv it was packed. I first noticed that everyone was much older than me and there were no kids my age and I remember wondering why they would even care what a 17 year old has to say? The first several comics from my class went up and almost all of them bombed, my heart started racing. When I heard my name called backstage I feared for the worst. But as soon as I got on stage and my first joke landed, everything felt relaxed in my body. It was a feeling I’ll never forget and I knew then that this was what I wanted to do.